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An Interview with Boston-based Pelvic Floor Therapist Mirah Sand  Pelvic pleasure doesn't always come easy. In addition to bodies being complex and sometimes confusing, heteronormative ideas about sex can make it hard to tap into the body's full potential for pleasure. We talked with Mirah Sand, a pelvic floor specialist based in Boston, about queering pelvic pleasure, as well as surprising pelvic practices that can help maximize pleasure, and what being present during sex really means. Pleasure Pie: You've said that many people misunderstand what it means to be present during sex. How so? Mirah Sand: Sometimes we can put pressure on ourselves to be fully embodied or fully present during sexual experiences, and this can become its own kind of performance anxiety and perfectionist expectation that you have to live up to. Especially for folks with chronic pain, whether it's pelvic pain, or any other kind of pain that impacts how you might have sex, it's okay for you to feel like you’re distracting yourself in some ways from the painful sensation. Part of what is enjoyable about sex is that there are many sensations to which you can fix your attention. I think having sex with chronic pain means honoring your limitations and boundaries, but also being open to allowing the experience to take you out of your normal day to day experience of pain. Sex then can become a process of being present with sensations and experiences that enhance pleasure, and thus mask the pain. I don't think that means you're not being "present"! PP: What's a misconception about pelvic pleasure that you hear a lot? MS: I think the biggest misconception is that PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex needs to be the creme de la creme of sexual experiences. I think a lot about this article from sex educator Emily Nagoski (PS she often uses "woman" and "man" in her research, because she's reflecting the language of the research itself...but it's annoying that it's not inclusive). The article is about different research on whether the g-spot exists, and her whole point is—people's anatomy differs! It led me to the question: what if some people will never feel that PIV is pleasurable (from purely a sensation-based perspective), simply because their anatomy might differ from someone who does find it pleasurable? Not to mention the variation in hormonal elements that can shape experiences of pleasure as well! What if we think of this as plainly as someone being left handed or right handed, just normal physiological differences? One could still derive pleasure in PIV sex from seeing their partner turned on, but not ever expect that it's going to be the thing for them, without that feeling shameful or "wrong" in any way. PP: How do heteronormative ideas about sex exacerbate pelvic issues? What does queering pelvic pleasure look like? MS: This feels connected to the above answer, but deprioritizing PIV sex for a while, especially in hetero couples, can be really amazing for people's sex lives. I always say that pain with sex requires creativity, and creativity means possibility. I've worked with people in their 50s who are having pain with sex post menopause, and they're having conversations with their long term partners about pleasure for the first time! This can open up so much communication and intimacy about what you might really like and be interested in.  Mirah Sand teaching about pelvic health Returning to pain free sex is similar to working on insomnia—there are things in your control, like good sleep hygiene, getting movement throughout the day, not having too much caffeine, etc. But when it comes down to actually falling asleep, you have to surrender. We can always work towards pain free PIV sex, but when it comes to the actual experience, there has to be a similar letting go. Deprioritizing PIV sex makes that surrender much easier, because you know that penetration is just one kind of pleasurable experience you can share with your partner. PP: What are some good pelvic pleasure practices that might surprise people? MS: My favorite is what I call butthole breathing! On the inhale, feel your anal opening expand and descend; this helps lengthen the pelvic floor, which will increase blood flow. Also, move your body in weird ways! A lot of Americans' daily movement is very forward and backwards oriented, but we also need rotation and side to side movements! Intuitive movement and dancing breaks throughout your day could do wonders to your pelvic mobility, which will help enhance pleasure. Stay hydrated and prioritize good poops (if you can, the struggle is real). Chronic constipation and/or diarrhea can be really hard on the pelvic floor. Another is to let your belly stay soft and relaxed throughout the day. Fucked up diet culture plus tight high waisted pants equals sucked in belly equals overactive pelvic floor! Lastly, my biggest pelvic pleasure practice is not about the pelvis at all. We are evolutionarily evolved to notice negative stimuli over positive stimuli. When you notice subtle day to day pleasure in your life—feelings of enjoyable temperature, soft fabrics, smell of soup on the stove, whatever it is—pause and actually take it in; almost imagine you are relishing in it, embellishing it. This will train your brain over time to become more attentive to pleasure in all aspects of your life, including your sex life. PP: Is there anything else that you want to share that I didn't ask about? MS: I think we can all learn more from crip/disability studies when it comes to pelvic pain! I love this article on BDSM as a way to assert a sense of control and management over chronic pain. Other articles you might like:Comments are closed.
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