Owning Your Identity & Sexuality Discussion

This discussion was created by Cecilia Villero of Athena's Home Novelties & Voula the Vulva and Nicole Mazzeo of Pleasure Pie.

Key

• Popcorn Style - Let people speak when they have something to say, in no particular order. Not everyone needs to speak.

Discussion Outline

• Introductions:
  • Everyone goes around and says their name, the pronouns they use, and a song they've been loving recently.
• Group guidelines:
  • We're going to be talking about some sensitive things here. What are some things that would make you feel more comfortable talking about these things in this group? (Popcorn style)
• Discussion questions: How do you express ownership of your identities / pleasure / sexuality / body? This can include things you do privately (i.e. alone or with a partner), or publicly.
  • Go around in a circle so each person speaks.
  • Follow up questions: (Popcorn style)
    • Does it depend on who you’re around?
    • Do people make sweeping generalizations about you? If so, do you correct them?
    • Do you do sexual code-switching? (in sexual and/or non-sexual contexts) (In other words, do you express your sexuality differently in different company?)
• Pair discussion: Where did you learn how to express yourself? (i.e. What was “appropriate” and not?)*
  • Guidelines for pair discussions:
    • Confidentiality: Don't tell anyone what your partner says to you in your pair discussion.
    • You have 4 minutes to speak, and your partner should just listen during those 4 minutes (no responding). Then switch and the listening partner has 4 minutes to respond to the question. Then you'll have 2 minutes to have a back-and-forth conversation.
• What came up for you during the pair discussion? (Popcorn style)
• How can owning your identities / pleasure / sexuality / body be a form of resistance? What might that look like? (Popcorn style)
  • Have you tried? Examples?
• Any final thoughts or reflections? (Popcorn style)

*Alternate pair discussion question: Have you ever tried to test the waters of how open you can be about your identities around certain people? (i.e. talking about sexuality openly with someone you normally wouldn’t.) How did it go?

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Notes to Consider for This Discussion

• Consider the concepts of pleasure as self care and militant self care. This may include not feeling obligated to do stuff for other people and conform to society.
• Pleasure as resistance:
  • The idea that you’re not supposed to find pleasure in sex because it’s supposed to be about procreation is still, in some ways, prevalent in our culture. How do can owning your pleasure be a way of resisting harmful cultural messages? Also, can you think of any economic/capitalist-based beliefs that discourage pleasure (i.e. the idea that humans only have value when they're being productive)?
    
  • Resistance can be going for what you want and ignoring what society says about what you should and shouldn’t do.
  • Many people in our society (including doctors, therapists, etc.) continue to pathologize sexuality by believing that less mainstream expressions of sexuality like kink, non-monogamy, queer, etc. are products of mental health issues. Taking control and ownership of what actually feels good to you can be a way of resisting these harmful beliefs.
  • Seeking out things that please us and choosing alternatives to what is being mass marketed/produced (i.e. in your job choice, or shopping local) is another example of pleasure as resistance.